how did I make it though work today 

seriously 

LOL at my drunk posts

Some were so bad I deleted them. I should probably lock my phone or something next time. Eek
I even posted some funky ass club photo fuck
My head hurts like fuck

Even though I kinda tipsy right now ill post something

I had a BALST at the club tonight in Brooklyn life in Brooklyn is for me
Well I am a brooklynite

Today I cut myself again. It’s been a few weeks since so.
It felt good. That’s the problem.
I’m so upset right now. I can never be perfect or good at anything I do. Even when I try my hardest, something just has to come up.
For example, at work last week I was $20.00 short. That’s really bad. I dot remember doing something dumb. Then again, this week, I was $2.00 over. I’m just a dumb fuck.
That’s why cutting feels good. It gets rid of the pain. I like the scars. These are the kind of days were I don’t want to stop cutting.

merelyamadness:

There will be mornings
when you wake up with bruises
whose stories you don’t remember

you will touch them throughout the day
to make sure they still hurt

and there will be people
you keep just below the surface
whose names will hurt
long after their marks
have disappeared.

The breakdown and tears from tonight have really meant something. That I’ve been in pain for too long. 

I wish I could confess how I feel to the kid and say i’m trying to get over him,  but…

1. I have no guts to do that

2. It would be extremely awkward, especially if it turns out that I care more. 

3. It’s probably not the right thing to do. 

I think I am finally getting over him**

He still likes that girl who rejected him way back in January. Still going after her, even though she told him flat out she doesn’t like him that way. What fooled him was that they still talked. She lead him on, or I should say asking for attention.
That makes him look like poop. I’ve given him so many chances to make things right again, and it is not worth it anymore. I feel that I keep worrying about him but the best thing for me to do is simply just get over it. I was a second choice basically. He probably has something for me, but that girl “won”. I’ve loved him so much but he doesn’t seem to notice my efforts.
I will always admire him. I will always respect him, despite from him breaking up with me and calling me rude ass names. I will always remember how he told me he respected me and that I heard him tell someone else I was a total sweetheart. I will always remember those cute glances. But, for now I guess it’s all over. We talk less and less. There is no flame. Sometimes I can’t imagine myself saying there’s someone else for me. I don’t know what hurts more, loving someone who has a thing for you but is pursuing someone else, or leaving someone you truly admire and has taught you so much. I can’t tell. Maybe in 5 years ill laugh this whole thing off and say that even though I learned so much my god I was a stupid fella. Maybe we will meet again? Maybe one day in a bar we will lock eyes again an realize that us two have meet before? Maybe we will never talk again? Maybe he will wish he went for me instead? Who knows. Right now it’s too early too see.
I hope that I don’t try to find someone like him and get myself out there. It always is that once I like someone, I never settle for anyone but that person, or devote myself for any other man but that man. As cold hearted I may seem on the outside, that’s how I play the game. I should not say game, because love shouldn’t be a game. I hope that I find some of the same (good) qualities in a man one day, but I hope not to try to find HIM in another person.